Little-Known Santa No. 5

Oh, by gosh, by golly, it’s almost time for mistletoe and holly . . .

But it’s certainly not yet time for this not-so-jolly old elf to be creeping into your house — or mine — past midnight. For this is Lifer Santa (though with our penal system functioning as it does, it’s probably going to be more like Paroled-in-33-Years Santa!).

It’s not his rap sheet of breaking elf labor laws, violating protected airspace, continuing to use lead paint on his toys, or annual cruelty to animals (primarily artiodactyls) that has placed Prisoner 53790X2 in the pen, but rather an unfortunate turf war with a decedent named Frost, J. that sent him away.

The best you can do for this old con is to hope he gets the holiday therapy he needs, and to mail him the occasional fruitcake (minus the file, please).